[TPR] my turn....

[Brian Ward]

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I
>heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top 

of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had,
made for 26 miles of
fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the
ground. The ground rod is
the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel push
mower. The
hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I
unplugged the charger. I
pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it
out of the way. It
seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and
the 1.7 gigavolt
fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of
a marine battery and
has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up
the front side of my body.
My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in
the backside of my brain.

Everytime that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my
head. I was literally at one
with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower
were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and get your nuts off at the same time. I
beg to differ.

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times
in less than half of a second.
It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and
you're all leaned back and 

BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were
minutes in between but
in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big
block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the
fence wire. My hand is
wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I
know all about electric
fences. But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or
whoever that were like 9
volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long
ground rod is now accepting
signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this
point I'm thinking
I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out
of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is
starting to run rough.
It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big
lawnmower race cam in it.
Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God
please die... Pleeeeze
die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and
remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right
foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in
my own backyard,
begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there
covered in my own fluids
to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on
the ground hours later.
The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I
was sunburned. There
were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another
long skinny dead
spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to
it. I assume I finally had a
seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things..

1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not
the left, just the right).
3 - Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you
might think.
4 - My left eye will not open.
5 - My right eye will not close.
6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out
some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.
7 - My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.
8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the
number 4 (still don't
understand this?).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little things
more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged
before I mow.


The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can
clearly visualize what
my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy
feeling all over, which
also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

-------------- next part --------------
An HTML attachment was scrubbed...
URL: <http://teampanteraracing.com/pipermail/tpr_teampanteraracing.com/attachments/20110113/36d9e6d1/attachment-0002.html>