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</o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--></head><body lang=EN-US link=blue vlink=purple><div class=WordSection1><p class=MsoNormal><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";color:black'>We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I >heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.<br><br>To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:12.0pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";color:black'>of the fence. Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of<br>fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is<br>the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.<br><br>One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel push mower. The<br>hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I<br>pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It<br>seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.<br><br>Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt<br>fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and<br>has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.<br><br>Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body.<br>My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain.<br><br>Everytime that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one<br>with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.<br><br>Science says you cannot crap, pee, and get your nuts off at the same time. I beg to differ.<br><br>Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second.<br>It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and <o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal style='margin-bottom:12.0pt'><span style='font-size:10.0pt;font-family:"Arial","sans-serif";color:black'>BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but<br>in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.<br><br>At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is<br>wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric<br>fences. But Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9<br>volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting<br>signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex River bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking<br>I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.<br><br>'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough.<br>It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it.<br>Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeze<br>die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big<br>bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.<br><br>So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard,<br>begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day. He left me there covered in my own fluids<br>to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.<br><br>I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later.<br>The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There<br>were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead<br>spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a<br>seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.<br><br>Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things..<br><br>1 - Three of my teeth seem to have melted.<br>2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).<br>3 - Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.<br>4 - My left eye will not open.<br>5 - My right eye will not close.<br>6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out<br>some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.<br>7 - My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.<br>8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't<br>understand this?).<br><br>That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things<br>more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.<br><br><br>The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what<br>my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which<br>also reminds me to triple check before I mow.<o:p></o:p></span></p><p class=MsoNormal> <o:p></o:p></p></div></body></html>